As I sit here scrolling through the potential male suiters on my tinder account, I begin to see a pattern emerging in the photos, the bio’s and last but not least the messages that start coming through after I match with a guy.
The gym guys: are the type to talk about themselves, how much they work out, how they prep their food for the week, and how they live for the “grind”. Then straight to business asking if I will send pictures of myself naked (for what I can only assume is to make sure I am there physical equal, or they won’t even bother to get to know me)
The Hunter/ Fishermen: you know the guys who have pictures of themselves with a bloody dead wild boar or a massive fish, like ‘look ladies I can catch you some dinner pick me!’ surprisingly when I see the blood and the dead animal I don’t get those tingly feelings. I see how masculine he is and think oh dear! he could kill me in my sleep if I break up with him because he knows how to gut things. He is Mr vague he is always busy because he lives for “the boys” and if you try (and he wants you to try) to ask him to chose to skip a beat with the boys to hang out with you, your trying to trap him and he won’t be tamed.
The Bohemian guy: Super chilled photos of him off in the distance on a cliff somewhere because he is constantly traveling to new places, he looks like a romance novel waiting to happen, but he is never available because he is so free he can’t make plans it’s against his nature. he is easy to talk too, and you think yeah, this guy is just real he just knows how to be him self. But He only wants you on the weekdays when he is finished charming all the girls out in the club. because he has a van he can take them too #vanlife
I feel like I’m window shopping for men, and all I have to do is ‘SAY YES’ and I could have one of them at my door step for some meaningless awkward sex (and its always awkward because one of you is always more nervous and you don’t want them to hear you fart during sex or be a real person during because the fantasy would shatter so you act like a fake person with bravado). This power feels great to begin with.
At first, I start feeling like a princess looking for her prince they are all after me, they ask me questions like ‘how is a girl as beautiful as you on here?’ (that statement should have given me the indication ‘HERE’ means the meat market. as in when you have made a tinder account you have decided to become easy to get.) Fast forward and I’m a tinder veteran, it’s almost like being a sex worker that doesn’t get paid. If you play there game you will end up naked taking 1000 pictures to get one that makes you look like a porn star, letting them only contact you when they are drunk and horny, and playing this marvellous game where you give them the “girlfriend experience” you eat together, you listen to his problems and have sex with him the way he wants it in hopes this will make him want more. He ignores you, makes no effort to remember any information you give him about yourself by asking you the same questions over and over again (usually an indication he has a few women to many and is being careful not to mix you up). As I write this I received a text off a guy that has been trying for some time now to get in my pants. The message reads:
Me: ‘yes I’m free tomorrow evening what did you want to do?’
Him: ‘well we can either go out for an early dinner or just order take away and chill out back at yours.’ (before I could reply to this text another comes through)
Him: ‘at some point you’ll let me seduce you and I’m gonna rip those clothes off and fuck you like a bad bitch’
Me: ‘I don’t want to be fucked like a bad bitch I’m not a porn star’
Him: ‘Bahahaha (laugh emoji x 4) alright just scratch that whole idea (two more laugh emojis)’
Me: ‘Yeah I think we should just leave it at that. I don’t think we are a match.’
It’s exhausting, the insensitivity in todays dating world. If you wait to have sex, these guys are quite happy to keep up the act until they get what they want. because they have 5 other girls on there app who haven’t realised what I have. These men are getting everything they want and we are giving it to them!
Then when they feel like leaving the “game” one of us suckers who is playing the ill just give him everything he wants until he commits gets the self-centred guy. He then marries her and decides to test this theory of how much she loves him, she has given me everything I wanted up until now, has put up with me and I could do just about anything. Who is this couple? This is the new age couple. They never based their love on real foundations so it was always doomed to be a tragedy.
How did I get this way you must be thinking, this Girl is just a cynical person who doesn’t believe in love. she just needs a good lay! (believe me I get what I need in that area, I’m not a nun and I know what I like so if I’m going to be used I make it worthwhile for myself). I’m not opposed to casual sex, I’m all for it if both people are up front with each other before they have sex. I’m opposed to this new way of getting sex!
I recently got to know this guy I was really keen on, I didn’t throw myself at him I decided to let him come to me, I made it clear that I wanted more then just a sexual relationship, he made it clear he didn’t want a relationship he went on to let me know he was ok with just getting “skin to skin” as he so tactfully put it. I said lets just stay friends.
Some time passed, and he decided to show me a lot of effort, helping me with my Yoga poses and telling me he how attractive I was, well sending emojis of flames when I posted pictures. this confused me? I thought I had made it clear I wanted him on a deeper level. Maybe he has come around I told myself. So I invite him to my place for a pampering session to say thank you for the effort he was putting into helping me with my new career as a yoga instructor. I decided to show him how much I liked him by going all out to show him I wanted him to feel special.
So, I spent all day cleaning the apartment, called my best friend to ask to borrow her massage table, drive down to Coles to get some Epsom salts for the bath I ran for him to soften his muscles before the massage. I placed candles all around the house to set the mode, incense spa style music, it was just like a day spa. I bought food to cook him dinner, the works!
I was considering making the massage sexual but decided not to just before he arrived. I thought no I will just pamper him and let him come to me. He arrives at my door and I greet him with humour telling him welcome to your day spa, I hand him a fresh juice I had ready to go, asked him how his day was as I ran him a bath. I sit in the living room playing my guitar while he gets into the bath. he calls me to come in and play to him, so I do. He covers his privates and closes his eyes and lets me serenade him in the bath tub. After his bath I ask are you ready for your massage, I give him a 2-hour massage until he says it is enough he feels great. I then say go and relax on the sofa while I cook you dinner. we eat and talk, and things are going great. He pulls me towards him and we kiss, I pause and look him in the eyes and smile. he starts to take my clothes off and we start getting sexual. He stops just before the moment and says maybe we shouldn’t do this? I say do you think maybe you could have decided this before you took my clothes off and we are laying here naked? I say to him ‘I think we should stop if you are confused, maybe you need to go home and think about what you want see how you feel tomorrow because you know where I stand.’
We lay there cuddling in silence for a good 3 minutes, the thoughts going through my head are, oh my gosh this is so awkward, why did I not ask him if he was sure before I let him take my clothes off, do I break out of this hug, I want to hide I’m so embarrassed. Why didn’t I stop him and why did I let it get this far, I didn’t want to have sex with him, yet I wasn’t ready. Then he pulls my face towards his and we continue.
The sex was awkward, we weren’t connecting we were forcing it because we had gone this far. I feel like I knew at that point that this would be the last time I would see this guy, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and trusted we would both be adult enough to talk about it and maybe let the awkward sex go. I then started to take control of the sex to make sure I was going to have a good time too because so far he was not really getting my vibes. I have a feeling this intimidated him further. But hey I’m not a sex worker after all I’m a WOMEN who knows her body well enough to tell a man what to do to get her there. After giving him all the signals of what I did and didn’t like and him not getting it, I had no other option (well stopping was actually the best option but my pride took over at this point).
We finish and there is this giant elephant now sitting in the room, but we both ignore it, pretend it was awesome sex and say our goodbyes. The next day he texts to say he had fun and thank you for the pampering. I send back your welcome hope your having a great day. I see a meme and send it to him that reminds me of the illusion I created in my mind about what happened the night before, I told myself we were two souls coming together to heal each other bla bla shut up Lisa. He texts me back I have thought about it and I don’t want a relationship, can we go back to just being friends and I help you with your Yoga, I hope you understand.
This infuriates me!!! We were already that! So why did he have sex with me? So, I send him a text back, saying NO I don’t understand, and I’m hurt that he wouldn’t give it a try?
I say why did you do it then? He sent back ‘You said to go home and have a think about it see how I feel, and this is how I feel’. I said this before we had sex, he had more then one opportunity to stop it, like when he got the condom that was the second time I said are you sure. So, I proceed to text this to him, and tell him I’m happy to go back to being friends but I would like to express my feelings about it first. I start texting (and yes It was a lot to say via text, looking back I should have asked to talk in person) and its all mature and no attacks made. HE BLOCKS ME! on every social media platform, blocked me on his phone.
Now I own my part in this, and yes maybe the texting was to much, but so was letting a girl go all out then saying you thought about it after all that and you don’t want to be with her. Tell her to her face! and when you do, let her be upset about it. Deal with the conflict that comes with your actions. This guy is 38 years old. He is a yoga instructor who works in mental health. This is the type of guy who is supposed to understand people a little better then others because he is a “healer” so my stereotyping was way off.
I felt used, I felt he had tricked me into this false sense of connection between us to conquer me in the bedroom. He got what he wanted and then some. I felt like I needed to erase all memories of his help with yoga because they were all just to get me in bed. I was feeling like this was the straw that broke the camels back. How do I trust guys after this experience? how do I keep my walls from going back up to stay open to LOVE.
I’m looking for LOVE, the kind of love that gives room for error, the kind of LOVE that understands that when you look past the beauty I’m a real person with real emotions.
2018 and Commitment of any kind is something seen as a trap to this generation. It’s not a trap people. Its a chance your taking to see if you can find love with that person, if you don’t then be adult enough to have that conversation. Conflict is there to help us grow. If you avoid conflict then your avoiding life. Give Love a chance and be brave enough to say yes, also be brave enough to say no and let that person have there feelings about it when you do. People are aloud to show emotions and be upset. So be kind to them when they are.