Can you be alone and not be lonely?
I have been single for 7 years now, I’ve lived completely alone for 5 years. The first 2 years after my break up from the love of my life [whom I still pine over from time to time, send him a long-winded love letter and always get a reply that guts me every time, the most recent was to tell me his new girlfriend thought it was healthy he reply. this being his reply only after my embarrassing love rant that also had some sexual descriptions of him and I in the past. I was too embarrassed to write back again knowing she had read this.] I was heart broken to begin with.
I loved this guy more than anything or anyone I have ever loved in my entire life. we were inseparable, From the moment I seen him I was in love. He took a little time to open up but once he did we were obsessed with each other. I didn’t want to do anything with out him and he with out I, we loved our own company. We had talked about getting married, he even brought me a pre engagement ring, a commitment ring to wear on my ring finger to let the other boys know I was taken. Cute right!
We were together for 2 years, this is the longest relationship I’ve ever had. But in saying that I had only had 3 in my life time and the one before that was a very unhealthy abusive relationship, that changed me in the wrong way before it changed me in the right way. When I had met Dempsey I knew what it ment to have a healthy relationship.Well at least I thought I did.
The relationship started to go down hill because we both had addiction problems mine with weed and his with Alcohol and weed. When I had noticed this was becoming an issue I decided to try to change things become sober. I wanted to build a stable life so we could start having children. He wanted to travel in a van and stay as the gypsies we already were. Funny thing is this is what I want now 7 years later to live the van life but that’s another story for another blog.
We started to grow apart as I gained full-time work and wanted to party less, He did the same but only to make me happy. He had never been sober from the age of 19 so when he tried it was a very traumatic emotional experience for him, at one point I said to keep smoking weed at least because he was a little too much to handle. I was no cup of tea either, the more I could see this wasn’t working the more controlling I became. In the end I couldn’t see any other option then to break up. As much as I didn’t want this I was to far depressed to get help for us.
So I broke his heart……. I sent him home to his mother in Western Australia on the other side of the country and said I needed time. I just needed a little head space from this. He wouldn’t stop calling and texting so this drove me further away. All I could think was Id rather be alone then be with someone and feel lonely. I never believed we would actually stay broken up. I thought this would be the break we needed to get our heads together and come back as strong as ever. My ignoring him made him feel so alone. He was destroyed by this feeling. All he could do was turn them off.
I have dated in the past 7 years obviously, but no one has ever lived up to this love I had with Dempsey. He was my ideal man, his looks, his mind as funny and out there as he was I loved every bit of him. If only we had met later in life-like now. So I stay alone. but I don’t feel lonely. I learned in those 7 years to Love all of me, I decided I would find a way to be complete with out a man. And I have.
The first two years I was in a deep depression, my mother came to live with me for that time and bought me my first dog. Marley who is still the centre of my world. I had said to Mum I have all this love and I have no one to give it to. so we got Marley.
The next three years were not the best as a lot of family members were dying and mum had to move in with Nan to care for her. At first being alone was sad, no one to have dinner with, no one to just talk about my day with I felt very low. I knew it was for the best and even though I could have gotten a house mate to share the rent and home. I just didn’t want anyone else but Dempsey to walk through that door to the home we had moved into to start our life together in. I was dating but only to fill in time.
So I moved to a new place, only up the road as I really love living by the beach and this place was even closer, a view of the ocean and everything. I started to become that person I wanted to be before I met Dempsey. I was dating a nice guy and had a great job, Life was supposed to be amazing. I’m 30 by this time and the family and friends start to worry. Its been 5 years and she hasn’t found anyone. The guy I was dating didn’t want to commit as much as I didn’t so it was convenient for us both to keep it a secret. My family started putting the pressure on me asking at parties and weddings, I was being sat at the mixed table or kids table because I didn’t match the couples table so I was seen as an odd end. I was ok with it for a while because this was my choice. Then I was the last one single. no one had time for me anymore. I was forced to start looking for a partner because that was the only way to be with someone. The guy I was dating was that person.
Now, I am going to tell you something most women will hide and is very hard to talk about. I fell pregnant to this guy. I think deep down I ment it. In all my years of sexual relationships I have never once had a scare or any possibility of being pregnant. I talk to this guy and ask him to make this work. I tell my family that I’m pregnant and Im keeping it. He doesn’t want to make it work, but will support my decision and help co parent the child. Fair enough as we were not really in love.
My decision to ‘not have the baby after all of this, was the hardest most truamatising experience I’ve been through. I believed I wasn’t good enough for this child. That I couldn’t do it on my own. It brought out every fear and insecurity Ive ever had and amplified it 1000 times. I wanted to run but there was nowhere to run because it was inside of me. Then the thought of strangers in the delivery room like his mum I didn’t even know his family, I’m going to raise a child with strangers. what if they don’t like me. what if I don’t like them?
He had told his cousin who I did meet once and she bailed me up at my work place to tell me to get rid of it, that I didn’t really want it. That this was the best decision( this was a shit thing to do by the way). I had my mother who was so very supportive and already buying change table’s and pram’s but I just couldn’t see this future that she could.
So I do it, and those things you read about in the warnings before you sign the waiver, well they happen to me. I nearly die due to bleeding too much, I get an infection also and have to go back and go through the experience all over again.
This was the rock bottom in my life that really changed everything. I was ready to leave this earth, but my will to live is much stronger than any depression. So that is what I decided to do. I tell my family I lost the baby. Because I didn’t want to speak of the traumatic experience ever again. And I’m ashamed of this deep down. I regret it but I can’t change it now. So i decided to live for this baby. To live a life that would make it proud of me. To honour life itself. I start making big changes. I tell my family and friends to stop pressuring me about being in a relationship. To let me be me and don’t judge me for my choices to be alone. And they do. I Become a career women in management, throw myself into this life. I had the money the clothes the car the bikes you name it. I started becoming an adrenaline junkie. crashing my road bike at 120 km’s per hour, having a dirt bike accident and fracturing my knee, having snowboarding injuries. I’ll admit I wasn’t a very good adrenaline junkie lol. I had to learn to walk three times in three years. My body was completely out of alignment.
I was still injured, and I had decided I wanted to change my life one last time. I had been doing yoga throughout the past 3 years at home mainly to help with the injuries. I booked in for a Yoga instructor course and sold most of my things to help fund this. I got a personal loan and off I went!
This was the best thing I have ever done in my life, I had some mental breakdowns at the course as did many of the other students. I had so many revelations and I was given the tools to help myself feel whole again. I forgave myself for what I did. I let go of my past and my insecurities, I could see a future again. I could see that I loved being alone, I love my self enough to travel the world alone. I could meet new people and never be attached to anything anymore. I’m only here for a short time. why would I settle for being with someone who didn’t except me for all of my flaws and all of my beauty. So I will continue to look but I wont wait for a person to fill a place. If I find one that is just a bonus.
Don’t live in fear of being alone. Being alone this past 7 years is what I needed to find myself. I’m not completely there yet. I know the moment Im content with my self is the moment I wont be lonely. so Im not searching for mr right Im searching for myself. When I find me I’ll be ready for him.