The Pro’s and Con’s of being single

On one hand I immensely enjoy my alone time, I have the best sleep ever with out having to work around another person in the bed, having the blankets all to myself as I do love to sleep with them through my knees to give me that extra back support. I don’t over heat or get to cold because the covers have been taken off in the middle of the night. I would have to be the lightest sleeper in the world so this was always an issue for me. On the other hand  when I was in love I didn’t mind waking up to see him there next to me re assuring me I wasn’t alone with him around, all of those things were worth the struggle.

Waking up in the morning to my own alarm, having a shower when it suits me and not on a schedule. Going where I please when I please and never having to explain my actions to another person. This to me feels like pure freedom. Then again as I grow older I don’t mind the Idea of Someone knowing where I am, having someone to ask how my day was and feeling that sense of being in a team with another person. I have always struggled with the idea of my freedom being taken away from me if I were to compromise to much. Is there even such a thing?

I believed that in my past relationships I was being asked to give up my ideals, and subdue my wild passionate side so he could feel comfortable I wouldn’t run off with another man. I remember being asked not to call other guys babe anymore, as I called women and men this, I didn’t see the big deal. But I did see it was a big deal to him so I respected his wishes and did what he asked. I was asked not to speak my mind as much because my partner felt he was now responsible for punching any guy out who disagreed with me and gave attitude. I have been doing very well on my own with this subject and found this to be a little misogynistic, as a lot of the time it was over my views on how a women should be able to do what a man does. Without being told she was a rough chick or one of the boys. I just wanted to be a woman who did what she pleases without being stereotyped or ridiculed in the process. I think this challenged a lot of my previous partners when in a relationship with me. They loved the idea of being with a strong independent woman until it challenged their idea of what a women’s role in a relationship and society ment to them. Until their friends started mentioning how “rough” I was or that he must be weak because I must wear “the pants” they loved that I was this person.

As mush as I love being in a relationship, and having a man to show my affection too. Make him breakfast and leave little notes with his breakfast to wake up to if he was still sleeping as I wanted him to have a nice sleep in. Run him a bath before he got home from work with candles lit and his favourite music paying when he walked through the door. Cook him a nice meal while he was in the bath so he could feel loved the way I really wanted him too, I really did enjoy the appreciation I got from doing these romantic things.

I Also Love being my true self. I tried changing my personality to suit men. I tried being more agreeable so I could fit in with there friends and friends girlfriends. I even stopped dressing too provocatively so other men wouldn’t look at me as much, to sooth my partners jealous mind.

Then one day I woke up and I was full of rage, I resented him for not wanted me for who I really am. This wasn’t compromise this was erasing my identity. The fire inside me was gone I was his woman and couldn’t think about anything else but how to please him. I had no ambition left, I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I started to act out against this idea. not telling him when I would get home anymore as Im an adult and I don’t have to answer to him, Ill get home when Im good and ready. He had me take pictures of where I was just to make sure I wasn’t lying. I thought to myself. This is a joke. Im being controlled. and he is loving this power over me. how did it get like this?

All of the things that I enjoyed about being in a relationship I now resented. when he first asked me to take a photo of myself so he could see me, I thought oh he loves me that much he just needs to see me. Then it was a chore that if I didn’t do it he would think I was hiding something. Waking up to see him off to work if he left earlier then I, was my favourite part of the day, he would be so quiet and leave me a note for when I woke up to say have a great day. Being the only one he wanted to be around made me feel so loved. He would ask what my thoughts were because he was always intrigued by my mind as his always worked so differently to mine. Until these things became monotonous. He would expect the sweet things I did to happen. If they didn’t this would trigger paranoid thoughts that I wasn’t in love anymore. This also in turn triggered me to resent these feelings in him. Why did i constantly have to prove my self? Why am I now expected to perform tasks he wanted, to suit this fear. I started to see being single as the better option.

If I were single I could have guy friends again, because I generally tend to get along with men better then women. I could stay up late at night with the light on reading if I choose to do so. I could shower  when I wanted, not before or after him and have a shower schedule worked out every day. I could spend all day with my friends and not have to think about if he was getting upset that I was taking to long because he needed my full attention. Be home when I wanted to be home. Buy the food I wanted and actually get to eat it as he was so much bigger then me and would eat everything before I had the chance.

I guess we never let our relationship evolve as it was naturally supposed to. All relationships go through the “rough patch” the time where the two of you work out a new way to live together where it works for both of you. when you really start to compromise and stop trying to be the person you think the other wants you to be, have the mature conversation about what is and what isn’t working. This is the time where most couples break up because they are so scared to tell the truth and lose their love. That it is then the reason they do break up. Fear of rejection, fear of being wrong or being challenged on an idea you have had deeply rooted in your mind, to see things now in a different perspective, a perspective that is of two minds becoming one. This is true love. trusting that person. Trusting that they do have your best interests at hart, that if you take this leap of faith together it might actually work out.

At the age of 34, I am wise enough now to know what a healthy relationship looks like. When I go on a date now Im not looking for the guy with a house, savings in the bank and the best paying job. This was what I was conditioned to do in my youth. Im looking for the man that will listen to me, to ask me who I am past what I look like. The man that if I have an opinion different to his, finds it interesting and wants to understand my point of view, instead of trying to change it by ramming his down my throat. Im looking for a man who is willing to go the distance when we get to the “rough patch”. I know what he looks like by how he acts in situations.

I went on a date tonight and the guy was naming all the things he owned and how much he earned when I didn’t even ask { actually I didn’t say a lot because he was to busy talking about him self the entire time lol}, telling me all about his gym routine and his food preparation for the week.This to me was a guy ready to be with a woman who see those things as the top priority for her. For me I have all of those things and I find it soooo boring to talk about. He may have been nervous or trying to impress. Im not judging him. Im just saying Im a pretty deep person. I want to know what a mans drive is in life, what makes him happy and what excites him. I hope that those things match with mine. Its safe to say I won’t be going on another date with that guy. I will stay single a little longer as I don’t want to waste anymore time pretending I wasn’t annoyed he didn’t ask me questions with substance. It was like a job interview, he would ask me a question with the intention to actually speak about his own answer to that question. I even tried to just keep giving my answer as he cut me off for the third time, just to let him know it was frustrating me for him to just keep talking over me. I will wait for a guy who wants to have an equally enjoyable conversation about what we both want. I will tell you this. I have been on a few dates and Im starting to give up hope this man exists at all lol. If that is the case, Im happy to stay single and love my self.

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